No Weird-Ass Togas: Thoughts on Pregnancy Photo Shoots

Dear Cletus,

Don't start yelling at me because I haven't posted a blog in a while. I'm only 7.5 months along and I'm tired all the time, my back hurts, my belly skin is all weird and stretched out, and you keep INSISTING on crawling up into my ribs. If this is a sign of your intelligence, then we might have a problem, because you're supposed to head toward the other direction. There's only one exit out of this uterus.

Anyways, I am trying to decide if I want to have a "maternity photo shoot" done. I'm not normally that type of person, but then a little voice in my head was like, "Well, you never know, what if you only have one kid and you look back on this time and wish you had some pictures to document it." I don't know, it could happen.

However, my non-sentimental self is really fighting it. Jessica Simpson showing up nude and preggers on the cover of a magazine didn't make me think the idea was any better; in fact, I just thought, "Why would you want to nakedly display yourself like that when you are 50 pounds heavier than you were 6 month ago?"

I did a lot of research (read: random Googling) of pregnancy photo shoot ideas to see if it was my kind of thing. I don't think it is. Sorry Cletus. Once you're born, it's game on with the camera - there will be so much footage of you that you'll think we are filming a reality TV show. But when it comes to paying someone to professionally stage me in photos featuring you as a huge lump on my stomach, I just don't think I'm that interested. Furthermore, I am automatically against any maternity photo shoot that involves any of the following:


Nudity:

If I didn't take my clothes off for photos for the camera when I was single, in college, and in the best shape of my life thanks to Bikram yoga, I'm certainly not going to do it now when my stomach looks like someone stuck an entire cantaloup inside it.


Couple Nudity:

I understand that this is supposed to portray the intimacy  of a couple expecting their child and the beauty of life created, etc. But to me, it looks like a still from a fetish porn shoot.

 (okay, Cletus, I secretly think this photo is AWESOME, but for all the wrong reasons. This couple is super creepy but I also respect them, in a weird way, for being so unabashed about it. I showed this photo to your dad and told him that I would pay him $1000 and/or buy his next 6 rounds of golf if he would do this pose for a photo shoot. He looked at me like I had just asked him to shoot a kitten. Apparently it's okay for him to make jokes threatening to implement "Naked Tuesdays" in our household, but ask him to get naked and grab a preggo belly in front of a camera and he becomes the poster boy for burqas and long underwear)


Earth Mother Goddess Photos (these are apparently very popular, judging from my online searches):

Cletus, you will soon learn something very important about me: I can't go camping because when my hair dryer breaks, I announce that I'm going to have to "rough it" by letting my hair air-dry. I'm not exactly the outdoorsy type, so seeing a preggo woman romping through the woods enjoying nature makes me wonder how long it will take for killer mosquitos to eat her, and then where will she and her baby be? In a bunch of killer mosquito bellies, that's where. And that's what romping out in the woods with a basket and weird hoodie gets you.

I also feel like these types of photos want me to go through an all-natural labor so that I can experience the joy of drug-free delivery. I have a fundamental disagreement with this idea. I want to be pumped so full of drugs during my labor that I am higher than a hippie on the 7th day of Burning Man. Therefore, if I were to try this type of pose for a photo shoot, I'd feel a little hypocritical.

Random Weird Stuff Pregnancy Stuff:

Your eyes are not deceiving you. This is what appears to be a pregnant Little Red Riding Hood.

 I think this is supposed to be a pregnant mermaid. Which of course begs the obvious question - how does she give birth if she has no legs??? My money is on the belly button.

I guess this is the inevitable result for some of those girls who worked at the Playboy Club.


So Cletus, I think that pretty much rules out most pregnancy photo shoots. Therefore, you won't be able to look back at a set of professional photos of me with you in utero. I hope this doesn't disappoint you too much. To compensate, I offer you this extremely non-professional picture of my belly with your soon-to-be pet pug:

Watch out. He snores really loud. You could probably hear him when your dad took this photo. If you're still upset over not having professional photos taken of you, then knowing a dog likes to use your bump as a pillow probably doesn't help. But here's to hoping it does, because it's the closest thing you're going to get to a photo shoot.

Love,

Your soon-to-be-mom

P.S. The best advice about pregnancy photos was from my friend Sara, who said: "I think you would just want some nice snapshots around while you're pregnant, but not necessarily professional. And in your normal clothes, not in some weird-ass toga or something."

Exactly. No weird-ass togas.